Straight to Hell

AOL Sucks

2005-04-02T17:52:00.000-05:00

AOL sucks. The only thing that sucks more than AOL is AOL's retarded commericals. A couple months ago they had that one with the mother who has her baby in her arm and stands up in the "AOL boardroom" and speaks her mind. Then one pushover idiot says "Ok, we'll do it." Like that would happen in real life. Just what I want to see--a mid-life crisis mother who looks like she's about to comitt mass murder in a boardroom. In real life the CEO would press a red button and have security shoot her and her stupid baby. Actually, they wouldn't, but I'm sure everyone viewing the commerical would love to see that. The first time I saw that commerical all I wanted to do was kick my TV. If I had actually done that then I would've demanded AOL give me 500 bucks for the TV that I broke because of their fucking stupid commerical.

Then there's that set of ads that are slowly being taken off the air; the ones that show a bunch of people and they say really "funny stuff" that's delightfully ironic like, "I want my computer to change as often as my wardrobe...never!" or a retarded girl with a southern accent (they love playing into sterotypes) saying "Cumpuuuuuuuter viruses? What's that????" and "Nostradamus never mentioned computer viruses...so I'm safe." Holy shit-that last one---I hate that one the most-that guy is so fucking annoying. Not only does he look like a five year old could break him in half, but he also acts like a complete retard. If I were an actor, I wouldn't care how much they'd pay (which is a fuckload) me-I'd never stoop that disgraceful level. Then they have that one old guy who's hiding behind the wall and only his eyes (glasses on) are popping out, staring at the camera. Someone should throw a hammer at him while he's staring. That would kick ass. Oh yeah, on top of having a bunch of retards speaking, in the background they play this soft jazz music. Give me a gun, I want to shoot the screen.

Now, a couple a days ago my eyes witnessed what their newest disaster created by their ad campaign. These two people, a black guy and a white guy, are buying food at a cafeteria.

Here's the general gist of the commerical:

"I don't get it, why do I need aol on my highspeed connection?"

Wacky black guy (it's funny because he's black and wacky and the other guy's white and not hip) "Imagine my plate is AOL and yours is a regular service provider. Uh oh here's a whole bunch of spam, spamity calamity! And Viruses...WHOA...(pours jello on). Understand?"

"Yeah, I guess...I'll have the tuna." (see the irony??? he doesn't care)

"Actually the tuna's mine."

Gay jazz music kicks in.

Any company that tells me I'm getting better service for more money when I'm clearly not sucks. Ever notice commericals tell you what to think? Like AOL is number one. Says who?

AOL hasn't made any noticeable improvements since from (maybe) version 4.0 to 5.0. From then on, every version improvement has been adding a few stupid graphics, totally sweet live aol emo shows, aol services NO ONE uses, or virus protection/spam and pop-up blocking/spyware protection-all of which you can easily acquire by downloading free services. In all the years I had AOL, I never used their stupid music crap (which has strictly corporate affiliations), finance, pictures, expressions, greetings-it's all a bunch of crap. Virus protection may cost some money, but most internet providers have it anyway; it's not worth thirteen extra bucks a month-if you buy norton antivirus software for fifty bucks and quit aol, go to a 10 dollars/month service provider (like net zero) then after four months it pays for itself. AOL is no better than any other internet service, has a horrible, racist advertisement manager, and is a complete ripoff.

I see a bright future for AOL if it keeps on showing these ads.

Happiness is just a Dollar Away

2005-03-15T02:02:00.000-05:00

I am sick, exhausted, depressed, and annoyed. I can't wait 'till I get out of this fucking area and go out on my own. I hate doing work now to the point where I'll just cease to do it and not care. Not just say "I don't care." I really am completely apethetic to what happens. There are so many different, more productive things I could be doing with my life. My teachers are pushover idiots. The people I'm surrounded by are effete possibly homosexual snobs that won't amount to a pile of shit when they grow up. Everyone wants to grow up and be something like a doctor, or a lawyer. Seriously, who's going to care about some dumbass who was a workaholic and made a few dollars a hundred years from now. No one will. It doesn't matter. They're not making a difference in the world. Give up. Sometimes I wonder if people even think that they should do that themselves, and whether or not their parents brainwash them into thinking that. Some people don't even know what they want to do for a living, they just go to college to go to college. They don't understand that no one cares if you're a doctor or a lawyer.

I've heard so many 'tards say the following:

"Good grades will get me into a good college which will get me a lucrative job that will make me rich and I'll be happy."

So pretty much what they're saying is

Money = Happiness

Now you probably know why I'm going insane.

You may also understand why I want to get as far from where I live as possible.

I have met too many rich people that are a complete waste of life and aren't productive in anyway for society except the fact that they buy stuff (which stimulates the economy). Aside from that, they're pretty much a waste of life and all they do is drugs, have sex, and buy shit. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with drugs, alcohol and sex, but when someone uses them to define his character it's just pathetic. I've met many people that don't have anywhere close to as much money as these idiots, and they'll amount to 1000's of times more because they actually have an effect on the people they're around, because they're happy. No, they don't need money, they have friends.

Why I Have No Respect for Burger King

2005-03-12T19:12:00.000-05:00

I have often wondered what is wrong with this world. Now, I understand.

I have just witnessed possibly the most retarded commercial in the history of mankind.

If you haven't already seen it on TV, it can be viewed here: http://www.boardsmag.com/screeningroom/commercials/1580/

It starts out with a nineties post nirvana soft rocker (Hootie) in a mentally handicapped/PCP induced cheeseburger dreamworld, surrounded by a bunch of former/current Dallas cowboy cheerleaders. No Burger King, I really don't want to buy your nasty ass cheddar burger in the first place, and your recent commercial just made me want to piss on one of your restaurants out of principle.

What are these idiots at Burger King thinking? What the fuck is wrong with them?
I look at commercials like this one on TV, and I understand why everyone acts like a bunch of fucktards. If commercials like this one are possible, imagine what they'll be like ten years from now. And no one will even realize it because the overall quality of commercials will have declined gradually overtime.

Not to say that it hasn't happened already-but there are ways society could prevent this from happening. I think a kick ass Burger King commercial would begin like the retarded Hootie commercial. It starts out with Hootie playing his acoustic guitar with a bunch of hippies in their dreamworld (because hippies don't live in the real world). Everyone's dancing in a circle and holding hands; Hootie's playing along to music in the background. Then totally sweet heavy metal music kicks in and Mr. T and Rambo come in out of nowhere with brass knuckles and a machine gun. The hippies start panicking/screaming (like girls) or fleeing in terror. Rambo mows down the hippies that run away with his machine gun-then he takes it, tosses it at Mr. T, who, after he catches it says "I pity the fool!"-then he throws his machine gun at Hootie, but he's too much of a pussy to shoot him with it (Mr. T knows this). They deal out a boot to the face, a punch to the gut, and a couple of broken ribs to every hippy. Enough damage is done so that each hippy will have to sell their lifelong stash of marijuana (the one they've been saving up for their retirement) and spend it on cosmetic surgery. As Mr. T and Rambo kick the shit out of all his hippy friends, Hootie stands, trembling. Realizing his fate, he shoots himself. Mr. T picks up a cheddar burger and says "BUY A CHEDDAR BURGER OR MR. T'LL WHOOP YOUR ASS!" Rambo does his retarded battle moan and shoots the camera with a pistol.

If Burger King had a commercial like that, I'd buy their product just because it kicked so much ass.

GC Sucks (Fuck GC)

2005-03-03T02:59:00.000-05:00

Johnny Rotten was and remains to be one of the most influential punk artists of our time. Through messy, shitty music, and gutteral singing, he conveyed his message to his audience; I suck, I sound bad, I don't care-bite me. Just look at the guy. He looks like he could play fucking bronco for about four hours.

On the other hand are "mainstream" punk bands. Bands such as Simple Plan, Good Charlotte, and Men Without Testicles. Really high, gay voices, no talent, all five chords. The worst part is is that they sell out. They only reason they play their music is for money, and in five years you'll never hear about 'em again, unless they're on some gay VH1 reality show.

Johnny Rotten doesn't care how much money he makes, what other people think about him, or anything to do with a career. He plays his music because he loves to play it. If Johnny Rotten had ten fans he'd still play his music, probably tell them to fuck off and spit on them. If he had no fans he'd still rock out. He has millions of fans, and he still hates them.

Calling something "mainstream punk" is an oxymoron-punk isn't mainstream, and it isn't for little preppy bitches. The whole point of punk is rebelling and being everyone's enemy. It used to be you could go to a punk concert and get the shit kicked out of you, unknowingly ingest a hallucinigenic, or get killed. Now, when you go to a punk concert you get livestrong braclets and play sing along with the "band" like five year olds. None of these 'men' would ever do anything a real punk band does, because, if they did, their record sales would drop and they would cry because they could only buy four new porches every year as oppossed to five.

Mainstream punk fits the badboy fetish that fourteen year girls and unfortuntely some boys of the same age have; a bad boy, but cutesy and not too bad. Sorry fuckers, but real bad boys get drunk, are addicted to drugs, kill people, shoot shit, and fuck bitches all the time. That's how they have fun, not by playing pranks on celebrities with Ashton Kutcher.

I remember one time I saw this gay ass MTV award show, and they were interviewing the members of Good Charolette. One fatass dude was like "Yeah like totally dude if 50 Cent takes my award he's going to have to fight me for it." Ok let's do an objective analysis real quick.

50 Cent:

Shot several times

Been beat up, left for dead

Involved in Organized Crime

GC "Punk"

Almost shot by paintball gun

Got in a preppy bitch fight

Toliet papered/egged his neighbor's house during mischief night

The choice is obvious; fifty would win and kick the shit out of this "punk." Actually, 50, knowing that he could easily tear this fucker a new asshole, would never deign to fight this 'punk;' he'd hire one of his hos to beat him up. It would involve about five minutes of slapping eachother's arms but the ho would prevail in the end.

And don't get me started on Johnny Rotten. Johnny Rotten would take on every memeber of GC, beat the shit out of them, probably bite off their ears, and while they were bloody on the ground he'd spit on them. Then he'd piss on their faces out of principle since they did the same thing to punk.

Fuck any and all mainstream punk.

Vegetarians Suck

2005-03-01T02:56:00.000-05:00

To all vegetarians and vegans:

=

Bite me, bitches.

What's the point to being a vegetarian? I really have no idea, and I don't think that the people who are vegetarians do either. I swear they just do it for attention. Last weekend I went out to lunch with a bunch of people from my team, along with some coaches. Aside from being a fatass feminist, one of the coaches is a vegetarian. I was sitting across the table from her when I recieved my 12 oz steak. The whole time she was staring at me with disgust, because, god forbid, I eat a piece of useless animal. Or maybe she was just hungry for meat. Yes, she's a fatass. And yes, she's unhappy. Maybe she's just pissed because she's never satisfied by all the carrots and lettuce she eats. That may explain why she's overweight and has a voracious appetite. It doesn't matter what type of food you eat; if you eat less food, you lose weight, if you eat more, you gain it. It doesn't matter if it's steak, candy, or lettuce. I eat a salad, I feel like I can eat more. I eat a steak, I feel full for a long time. If you're going to give me angry stares and act like a surly feminist while I eat my nice, juicy steak, then go nibble on a carrot in the corner of the restraunt.

Personally, I don't think anything kicks more ass then chomping down on a nice sirloin steak, or just meat in general. Not only is it socially retarded to be a vegetarian, it's also bad for your body. There are certain amino acids that beans and protein shakes can't replace, causing your body to destroy muscle mass. So in your self righteous attempt to save clearly disposable animals, you're actually destroying yourself. Thank God. I guess it's good you're eviscerating yourself from the gene pool. I'm certain that these idiots care more about animals then their own species; yes, millions of animals are killed every year, but what about the millions of humans?

Here's an example-which would you rather not see?:

Dead humans? or...

A dead animal?

I think most people would agree that dead humans are much worse than dead animals. Somehow this does not process in the vegetarian's psyche. I would rather have a million animals dead than one human.

Instead of starving yourself and giving something up, how about you do something productive and get involved in a humanitarian service. Vegetarians, your sacrifices aren't doing jack shit. Eating meat and helping mankind will do much more than starving yourself will. From now on for every vegetarian I meet I'll eat one more piece of meat a day, just for them.

Socially Retarded "Intellectuals"

2005-02-28T20:18:00.000-05:00

A loud, obnoxious, never-stop-talking, fat, smartass bitch. Everyone has one in their class. Actually scratch that-they're everywhere, not just school, college, or in the officespace. They have an IQ of about 160 but the social skills of a three year old. Actually I take that back, three year olds don't talk as much as these dumbasses. And they don't necessarily have a high IQ either-they could be stupid and just study six hours a day. If I did anything six hours a day I'd be good at it. Heck, they don't even have to get good grades. Some of them just act smart, and aren't really good at anything other than jerking off.

"Could someone please pass the self esteem?"

A couple weeks ago I was talking to some people after I was done classes, and a certain fatass bitch comes up out of nowhere. Interrupting an important discussion about how many members of Good Charollete Johnny Rotten could beat up, fatass bitch comes over and asks me what I got on my math midterm. "I'm not in your class fatass bitch." Less than a tenth of a second after my sentence was over, he says quickly "OKBECAUSEIGOTANA+" Whoopie! YOU GOT AN A+. Congradulations. In ten years you'll be rich! The only problem is that you will have sacrificed your entire social life for the past 10 years so, yes, you'll have a lot of money, but, unfortunetely, you'll have NO real friends and get NO ass. Except for women who'll marry you because of your vast wealth and then promptly divorce you due to your repulsive personality.

No One Cares

2005-02-27T23:57:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt completely spent by life? That's how I feel right now. I mean everything-not just you had a "bad day"-everyone has fucking bad days. Suck it up and quit complaining. I'm talking about real shit here---so quit whining, turn off your cell phone, and stop watching MTV. I'm so sick of bullshit. People think that they know everything and that they're the shit, because they follow fashion trends and acheive medicore accomplishments. Well here's some news for them from me-no one cares.

Yes that's right, no one cares. They're pissing their lives away because they fail to see that there are more important things in life then cars and houses. They need to stop sucking up, grow a pair, and find out who they really are. Be yourself. No wait that sounds gay. Know thyself. There we go...that sounds better. If everyone would stop conforming to each other and start creating their own beliefs, maybe mankind would have a chance. Sure, people'll hate you for knowing yourself, but only because they're too scared to do it. No one remembers followers.